We Will be Directors Someday

"Among men who rise to fame and leadership two types are recognizable-- those who are born with a belief in themselves and those in whom it is a slow growth dependent on actual achievement. To the men of the last type their own success is a constant surprise, and its fruits the more delicious, yet to be tested cautiously with a haunting sense of doubt whether it is not all a dream. In that doubt lies true modesty, not the sham of insincere self-depreciation but the modesty of "moderation," in the Greek sense. It is poise, not pose."

A few years ago a coworker was venting to me on the phone about some of the frustrations that was being handed down to him from his leadership. It's probably too much to say that he was incompetent in his role... but suffice it to say that after working with him for a couple years, I wasn't exactly impressed by his capabilities. I only mention this to highlight just how taken aback I was when he ended his complaint session with the declaration:

 "We just need to deal with it for a few more years and we'll both be Directors someday."

Thankfully he ended the call immediately after this forecast, because my mind was reeling! Admittedly my first thoughts were less-than noble:
- Did he really just equate my capabilities to his?
- (cynically) Wait...they probably WILL promote you to Director someday.

but as I considered it further, another thought came to mind:

- Why shouldn't I be a director? or a VP?

I realized that I had never seriously thought about the possibility of entering a leadership role... All of my ambitions have been directed towards having success within my family and I never really had any ambition to progress in my career. I've always been content to do whatever work happened to be needed, so long as I did it well and it paid the bills. After a decade in blue-collar work, I spent the first 12 years of my white-collar career as a contractor and at this time had only been an FTE (full-time-employee) for a very short time.

My coworker's statement rattled around in my head for WEEKS! I thought about it from many angles. Could I really become a Director? Did I really want it? What would I need to do to make it happen? What would happen if I didn't aim for it? What would I aim for instead? In fact, his declaration still bounces around within my thoughts more than it deserves to.

This singular statement, flippantly spoken, sparked a fire in me that inspired me to go back and complete my bachelor's degree... an accomplishment the I am surprisingly proud of in ways that were unexpected at the time. This led to my participation in a leadership program provided by my company, and I have since begun managing two teams of analysts working on separate projects. In a convoluted way it even played a role in the decision to make the leap and startup our Coffee House. I am even now pursuing yet more ambitious avenues that I am not quite ready to reveal.

I still don't know if I truly want to become a Director, but the door is open to me more than ever before, now that I have aimed my efforts towards being prepared to walk thru. All it took was a touch of arrogance on my part, the slightest of insults, and a whole lot of soul searching to realize that it was a real posibility.

I am no General William Tecumseh Sherman, not by a long shot, but looking back on my career and all the positive feedback I've shrugged off, the following words hit me deep:

"...their own success is a constant surprise... to be tested cautiously with a haunting sense of doubt whether it is not all a dream."

Maybe I don't want my success to be a constant surprise...